[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever