Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
same vibe as tangled headphones
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”