Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.