Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
He a real one for that
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.