Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it


My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.


[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later


9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.


When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.


*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.


My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.


when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour


I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars