Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming