*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE