contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll