@MarfSalvador

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

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@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@gf3

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

@Sarcasmo718

Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

@daemonic3

me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor

[later]

me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer

@thepaulahunt

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE