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@MarfSalvador: contortionist: what's wrong?
proctologist: your head's in the way
@simoncholland: Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
@TheCatWhisprer: I don't think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.
@AbleLikes: I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I'm gonna die alone. But with cookies!
@heidi420x: if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.
@AdderallMomma: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.