contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️