[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*