CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.