CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early