contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
japanese corn
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
🤣🤣🤣
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”