contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Reporter: *ports again*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.