CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
the short answer to this question
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT