“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together