Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
GF: I wanna move in together
COP BF: *writes a ticket*
GF: What are you doing?
COP BF: This is for relationship speeding. Slow down, Brenda.