A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.