Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one