Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them