Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call

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– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?


THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?


[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”


Obama: Tell Joe why he can’t booby trap the White H-
Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I’m doing it anyways


Just accidentally combined “chew the fat” with “shoot the shit”. I won’t spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.


Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.


I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.


I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.


Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone