How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
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Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
What is going on? 😅
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.