Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.