Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me and my fake scenarios
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment