Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

🤣🤣🤣

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.