@WheelTod

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

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@zachreinert03

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@BigJDubz

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

@jjhartinger

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

@G_Faylor

[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt

@KKAlThani

“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want” – a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl’s order

@XplodingUnicorn

[driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren’t in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.

@kiel_phillips

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

@ibid78

“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC