@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

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@burntmybagel

I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@OtherDanOBrien

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

@neonsinatra

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

@petemandik

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

@TrueTorontoGirl

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

@FlyJ_

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

@G_Faylor

[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@KevinFarzad

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.