Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
u spoke cat all this time??????
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I miss this era type of pranks😭
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..