Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

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I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions


Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.


*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate


Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.


Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.


My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.


Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.


My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*


Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.