I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.