Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.