@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

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@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

@TheHatStore

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@Browtweaten

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

@0point5twins

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

@Jamz84_

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭