Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭