Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

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First day as a zookeeper

Child: What’s the difference between an alligator and crocodile

Me: Size and jaw shape

Kid: What’s the difference between a turtle and a tortoise

Me: A tortoise is not a skilled martial artist. Next.


Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?


*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true


If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.


will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too


With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?


Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch


got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball


Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.