@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

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@Danzig303

First day as a zookeeper

Child: What’s the difference between an alligator and crocodile

Me: Size and jaw shape

Kid: What’s the difference between a turtle and a tortoise

Me: A tortoise is not a skilled martial artist. Next.

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@TheRealIJM

Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch

@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

@agnessaintcalf

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.