what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
You Might Also Like
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
4: can we name the baby Yoko?
Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name
4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?