Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here
A scared look and a “let me go google that” is not what you want to hear from the gynecologist.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.