Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I have so many questions.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit