Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.