I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?