[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Boss: go to hell
Me: so stay? or leave? I’m confused
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy