@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

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@50FirstTates

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

@DaddyJew

Boss: go to hell

Me: so stay? or leave? I’m confused

@TheJessicaLong

The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@Playing_Dad

No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing

@Parkerlawyer

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@jonnysun

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy