GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My memory is improving. The horror.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
bill nye is short for william new years eve