@deankarrier

Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

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@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

@glazerboohoohoo

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

@Gupton68

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

@collinwithtwoLs

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

@TheHyyyype

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

@Eden_Eats

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

@DanMentos

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go