Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.