Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.


WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.


ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.


Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?


These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich


Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.


An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”


Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.


About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.


absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys