I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different