@danadonly

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

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@aligarchy

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

@brynnester

Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints

Me: About the twerking?

Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else

@ShoutingGoddess

‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’

@impaulmccoy

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

@mrtiredeyes

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

@PaperWash

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no