convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg