@danadonly

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

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@HeIsMaxBarth

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

@Hobo_Splendido

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

@simoncholland

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

@fabulouscop

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

@MissNaughty1801

Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance

@AristotlesNZ

Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet

@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

@JJSummertime

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

@iRowlf

It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.