the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints
Me: About the twerking?
Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else
‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[I dont get invited to a party]
[I get invited to a party]
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no