Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.

Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.

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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me


I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.


Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.


If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.


Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.


ME: *prints a single document

MY PRINTER: *continues to make noises for a month


[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table


[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.


Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and sexy person in the world i cannot be everywhere at once