@sweetmomissa

Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.

Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.

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@fro_vo

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

@TheBoydP

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

@BEEAAARR

Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.

@IamJackBoot

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

@AbbeYaar

Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.

@Jake_Vig

ME: *prints a single document

MY PRINTER: *continues to make noises for a month

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@ronleibach

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

@goodneptune

Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and sexy person in the world i cannot be everywhere at once