Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.