your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.