@daemonic3

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos


727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

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@1MeLrO

I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.

@tacos_y_cerveza

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

@Sassafrantz

Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.

@hippieswordfish

*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat

me: did my breakfast just talk

@WorldWideWob

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@TheHyyyype

I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.

@eerrriiicaa

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.