I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
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I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat
me: did my breakfast just talk
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.