[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
There’s always that one guy
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
✌🏽
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF