[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
honestly, i need both:
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it