[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.