My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
School be like
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.