@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

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@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@abbycohenwl

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

@TEXASVETERAN

If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.

Maybe.

@senderblock23

“I heard low winter sun is pretty good.” – low winter sun from behind a bush trying to throw it’s voice

@P0tterhead_394

My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.