Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.