Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Trump taking credit for Obama’s economy is like someone inheriting millions from his dad and bragging about what a smart businessman he is.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!