Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography


DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.


You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.


Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.


I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie


Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]