[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.