A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?
Me: that’s not true
Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?
Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I bet you say that to all the guys…
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges