*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me