*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

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A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom


Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ


KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.


*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number


My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.


My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.


If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.


Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges