FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said
“looks cute, might delete later”