Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.


[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.


The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.


If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…


Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.


Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.


Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?


Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.


Nothing says “I love you” like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.


Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care