@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

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@DosieDoe

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@CheryeDavis

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@BraandoCommando

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

@wickedsuga

Nothing says “I love you” like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.

@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care