@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

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@Brampersandon_

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

@briangaar

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

@robfee

If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

@bingowings14

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@Darlainky

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@CGSuperJordan

On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”