Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
when dads have a rap battle
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not