Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine