Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
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They’re stuck in your pants?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.