Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
No YOU sober up, lamp.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[I dont get invited to a party]
[I get invited to a party]