Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

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Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring


Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty


I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”


The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.


[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5


The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat


Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.


[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.