Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.


One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.


To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.


I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

“I am your Father”

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end


My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery


Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.


God: This is called the placenta, and it will help human babies just kinda vibe

Angel: What happens if the humans eat it

God: lol why would they do that?

Angel: …



*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on


ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.