Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie