Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
You Might Also Like
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: responds poorly to authority
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.