@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

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@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

@BreweryBaron

One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

@SugarMagicSpice

To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

@brynnester

I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

“I am your Father”

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@GrahamKritzer

God: This is called the placenta, and it will help human babies just kinda vibe

Angel: What happens if the humans eat it

God: lol why would they do that?

Angel: …

God: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT

@nice_mustard

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.