My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.
To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.
I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed
“I am your Father”
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
God: This is called the placenta, and it will help human babies just kinda vibe
Angel: What happens if the humans eat it
God: lol why would they do that?
God: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.