@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

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@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@Reverend_Scott

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@thedad

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

@causticbob

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

@truegritrumble

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.