@EndhooS

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

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@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@TheAlexNevil

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@badboychadhoy

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

@mattmanic

How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers’ food?

@OneBeanBurrito

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

@TheMichaelRock

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?

@bossy_bootz

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’