I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Has there ever been a more American story?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?