Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’ve conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can’t take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”