Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place